The arrival of children can be exhausting not only for people but also for machines. Our answering machine almost packed up and quit those first few days, because everyone you know calls, and never just once. We came home from the hospital, hit the button, and heard a mechanical voice on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
from page 115...
We had no idea how one starts the process of actually being parents. The first impluse is to fall into "host" mode. "Would you like a drink?...I forgot - your people don't drink...You want to freshen up?...Your people do it right in their pants, don't you?...Why don't you just, uh...sit there, and we'll watch you. Okay? Okay."
from pages 125-126...
The differences are very subtle. For example, our son's "The-light-is-coming-in-from-outside-and-scaring-me" cry is almost identical to his "The-drool-on-my-sheet-is-hardening-and-cutting-me-across-the-cheek" cry. And his "Something-you-ate-had-pepper-in-it-and-I'm-very-resentful" cry is only one little throaty nuance away from "Remember that German shepherd the other day? I hate him."
from pages 129-130...
People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture... Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs...Certainly, there have been other changes in my life since the arrival of my child: I feel an even greater commitment to my wife and our marriage. I feel an instinctive, primal love of which I did not know I was capable. I feel a heightened sense of responsibility toward my community and planet Earth. But above all,...it's just really moist now.
from page 143...
No question about it, sleep deprivation is the worst thing about being a new parent. Period, end of discussion. Given the choice, I would gladly diaper my kid into his late twenties if for those same years you promised me a solid eight hours a night.
from pages 143-144...
One by one, you watch your mental faculties slip away. The first to go is language. Sometime during those forty-five minutes between feedings when you actually are asleep, a little man comes and takes your nouns away.
"Honey, when you go to the uh..."
"To the what?"
"To the...whad'ya call it...the place? With the things...they have things that you can buy..."
"The store?"
"Yes, thank you. To the store...Make sure we pick up some...some, uh..."
"What?"
"Little...um..."
"What do you want?"
"You know. They're small, you stick them in the ears..."
"Earrings?"
"No. Fuzzy things."
"Q-Tips?"
"Yes, exactly. Q-Tips."
from page 144...
This, of course, presumes you have the strength to get that much of a sentence out. During our child's first few months, my wife and I both thought we were going deaf. We literally could not hear half of every sentence spoken. It turns out we were just out of steam, too weak to speak audibly.
"I spoke to fhmwlmmn..."
"What?"
"Yesterday. I spoke to fhmlawhlawhmn..."
"Okay, stop right there, look me in the face and say that again slowly."
"I SPOKE TO THE PHARMACIST. THE PHARMACIST. What's the MATTER with you?"
from pages 147-148...
For many new parents, a Sleeping Baby becomes all they ask out of life...Restaurants, malls, stadiums...I've actually gone over to strangers and "shushed" them.
"I see you're having a party, but couldn't you all sing Happy Birthday to your mom in the parking lot? My kid is trying to sleep - shhhh!!!"
from pages 148-149...
The most popular piece of advice we got from our friends was, "When your baby sleeps, you better sleep, too. It's your only chance."
The second most popular piece of advice was, "When your baby sleeps, you better hurry up and do everything you want to do, because when they're up, you won't have a chance."
So, according to the experts, when your baby sleeps, you have to go to sleep, while simultaneously doing everything you couldn't do when the baby was awake.
Any way you figure it, those precious windows of opportunity between "He's cranky because he wants to sleep" and "He's cranky because he just woke up" are to be treasured.
from pages 151-152...
I used to think that patting babies on the back was simply to "burp" them: to coax little gas bubbles out of their tiny digestive systems. But, oh, it is so much more.
First and foremost, it is primarily a tool of Distraction. Anytime you see them on the brink of waking up or crying...if you pat them just right, they'll stop and turn to you, slightly confused...They spend the next few moments trying to isolate the patting.
"Where's that rattling coming from?...Anybody else feel a shaking? Like a thump, thump, thump, thump?...Nobody? Okay, maybe it's just me...as I was about to say...Waaahhh..." And then they go ahead and cry anyway. But for a second there, you feel very clever. You momentarily outwitted an infant.
from pages 153-154...
There are those who would belittle my expertise in the art of Baby Patting...If I weren't around, they maintain, the job could easily be performed by a metronome with an oven mitt. But they underestimate what I have accomplished. I've become, in essense, a great hypnotist. The Amazing Daderino.
"Give me a baby on the brink, I will do the rest...
Voilà-ladies and gentlemen, I give you: a Sleeping Baby."
It used to be, if you put people to sleep, you were considered Dull; now, it's a Gift.
from pages 155-156...
They wake up and have no idea who you are. Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half Angel and half Lost Tourist. They look up at you like you're vaguely familiar, but they can't quite place the face.
"And you are...?"
"I'm Dad."
"No, that's not it..."
"It's me. Your daddy."
"Were you here earlier?"
"Of course, don't you remember? I tapped you to sleep...Half an hour ago...? Tall guy...? Married to Mom..."
It starts to ring a bell.
"Mom..."
"The one with the milk."
"Oh, yes, of course, of course...Dad! How are you?"
from pages 167-168...
To fully appreciate what having a baby does to your life, you need to really grasp the concept of Baby Time...Things that used to take five minutes now take an hour. When you add a baby to any activity, even something as simple as Walking Out the Door, you must allow yourself one solid hour more than you used to. There's the packing, the changing, the planning for any one of seven hundred scenarios that could develop, and the going back for things you'd need for any of the two dozen other scenarios your spouse decided could happen because she heard of them happening to someone her friend knows...Feel free to lose entirely from your vocabulary the phrase, "We'll be there in twenty minutes."...You will never again be anywhere in twenty minutes. Ever.
from page 168...
The second reality of Baby Time...BABIES SLOW DOWN TIME...Things that feel like they're taking an hour actually are not. I was once so proud of having successfully entertained my son for an entire afternoon. I designed and constructed an immense building-block fortress, played a vigorous round of "Where's-Daddy's-Nose?/Where-Are-Daddy's-Ears?" and rendered a poignant reading of Harry the Hippo, only to glance at my watch and discover that in fact seven minutes had elapsed.
from page 168...
BABIES SLOW DOWN TIME...These tiny people can actually reverse time. A friend of mine once played with his ten-month-old daughter for an entire afternoon, and by the time his wife came home, the man was seven years old. No kidding around, he was, astonishingly enough, a scant six or seven years older than his own child.
from pages 170-171...
The key parenting skill you need to develop when entertaining your new child is the ability to Distract. If they get bored, or scared, or cry for any reason,...misdirect their simple little minds elsewhere. For starters, show them something. Anything.
"Look, a fuzzy tiger."
They will most likely stop crying and evaluate this new information.
"Hmmm, a tiger, I hadn't realized that..."
"Yes, a tiger...look...see the tiger?..."
"Well, (sniffle) my stomach was hurting..."
"I know, I know..."
"But... a tiger, you say..."
"Yes, a tiger. Right here. Here is a tiger..."
It doesn't even have to be as interesting as a tiger. Any physical item that is currently on the planet and within reach will do.
"Look, the cap to Daddy's water bottle...see...plastic...and white...isn't that something? And here are some keys."
They're willing to seriously consider whatever you have to offer.
from pages 171-172...
Singing is also popular. Since the arrival of our child, I've been singing everything. If they don't actually stop crying, they'll at least simmer down enough to see if you're any good. They'll listen to a few bars, and if you're not good, they'll resume crying...Still the fact that they even give you a chance is remarkable. That they have a legitimate grievance, and are willing to forgo complaining about it in exchange for a song, is, to me, darn decent of them....Next time your wife is upset about something, see what happens if you break into song...It'd never work. But babies, fortunately, are more easily sidetracked.
from page 173...
Infants are also, I've discovered, quite fond of the "peekaboo" game. The game is simple: Show them your face, then take it away. It's essentially two components: "I'm here," and "then I'm not." "I'm suddenly right in front of you, then mysteriously, not-so-much."...And while you're not there, they enjoy the anticipation of you coming right back in two seconds. (The first four hundred times you do it gives them a sense of the pattern.)
from page 208...
One of my favorite baby activities, which can also virtually qualify as a sport, is Bathing. Giving a baby a bath combines some of the most challenging elements of swimming, gymnastics, sculling, and fishing, as well as being a thorough cardiovascular workout for the sweating parent... In addition to the countless hard surfaces that shout of potential danger, there is also the water factor. Water is a funny element. In a glass, water is your friend. It cools you down, wets your whistle - that kind of water isn't going to hurt anybody. But pile it up in a tub, it gets crazy. It gangs up with the other water, surrounds your baby, and just dares you to screw up. When bathing a young person, you can't turn your back on that water for an instant.
from pages 154-155...
Once your child is asleep, however, if you're not careful transferring him out of your arms, you'll wake him up. Then you have to start your act all over again. Many is the time I've patted my son to sleep on my chest, and then, too scared to wake him, I elect to just lie there. Whatever I had planned to do I forgo and prostrate myself with a small human being clinging to my neck, doing my best to remain perfectly inert... Not that lying with a sleeping baby on your chest is the worst thing in the world, either. In fact, it's one of the sweetest pleasures I've ever tasted. An entire person curled up between your collar bone and stomach, covering and warming your heart, all the while breathing little bursts of perfect air onto your neck. It's not hard to imagine why moms love the sensation of breast-feeding. For dads, breast-napping is about as close as we get.
Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
from page 21...
A baby overwhelms us with its lovableness; even its smell stirs us more deeply than the smell of pine or baking bread. What is overpowering is simply the fact that a baby is life. It is also a mess, but such an appealing one that we look past the mess to the jewel underneath.
from page 22...
Yes, a baby is so powerfully appealing that people are even entertained watching it sleep. Just notice how grown people tiptoe to a crib and look down at a baby.
from page 37...
Whether the father is trying to shave or nap or work, small children come to him like moths to a flame.
from page 37...
I presume that you still have decided to have a child instead of a hamster. A hamster, however, would give you more privacy in the bathroom.
from page 22...
A baby's cry tells us it is wanted; and so, with a baby we cannot lose. For a new father, this little person is something he can hold and love and play with and even teach, if he knows anything.
from page 21...
There is something about babyness that brings out the softness in people and makes them want to hug and protect this small thing that moves and dribbles and produces what we poetically call poopoo.
from page 21...
...for the arrival of a baby coincides with the departure of our minds. My wife and I often summoned the grandparents of our first baby and proudly cried. "Look! Poopoo!"
from page 20...
I doubt there can be a philosophy about something so difficult, something so downright mystical, as raising kids. A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
from page 75...
You see, you can't wash your hands of them. You have to keep those hands dirty with the kids you love. People sometimes ask me how I like to spend my spare time. The answer is, I like to go home from the studio and stare at my wife and kids.
from page 40...
you...have to put newspaper under the child's chair to catch all the food he misses. Eventually, of course, you can sit down and have a picnic on the floor because more food is down there than in the child's stomach.
from page 43-44...
My father's inability to turn nighttime into bedtime was handed down to my wife and me, as an anthropolgist could have seen early one evening when Erika was six. "Will Erika be going to sleep tonight?" my wife casually said. "Well, I think a little nap before dawn wouldn't do her any harm," I replied..."Tell me, whose turn is it to go mad?" "I'll take it tonight. That will leave you free for something easier-like digging a new septic tank." "Look, Erika, I'm not kidding. If you're not in bed..." For a moment, I considered a bribe: Look, what will it take to get you to sleep? Are municipal bonds okay? What I finally did say, however, was simple and straight from the heart. "Come on, honey. It's time for the floating to start."
Through these African communities, I gained an understanding of the crucial developmental factors necessary for the elaboration of full learning potential. Having observed and been privileged to share their life, I offer this summary as my idea of a "First World" plan to support learning and brain development:
A. A rich sensory environment full of sound, touch, smell and visual stimuli.
B. Lots of movement and the ability to freely explore one's own body in space.
C. Security and basic needs gratification that fosters full exploration of the physical environment.
D. Parents or other adults available as listeners, consultants and interactive participants in each child's growth.
E. Plenty of time and practice for pattern recognition - of sensory-motor patterns, language patterns, rhythm and music patterns and human relationship patterns.
F. The establishment of responsibilities, boundaries, and respect for self and others.
G. Encouragement of imagination, art, music, communication and interactive play.
from pages 184-185...
Gestalt processors, usually called right brained, are able to take in the big image, feel the emotional connections, access intuitive understanding and need to learn kinesthetically through movement. In art, music, dance and sports they access the passion, movement and big picture - all elements which are crucial to creativity...
Gestalt learners more than logic learners are affected by the early push, between ages 5 and 7, to learn linear functions both in language and math. These children begin to judge themselves as "dumb" and develop "learned helplessness."...
Gestalt learners have to struggle to make it through our educational system. I believe Albert Einstein was a gestalt learner. His early academic failures are legendary, and he frequently referred in later life to his reliance on visual imagery rather than linear logic. "The words of the language," he said, "as they are written and spoken, do not seem to play any role in my mechanisms of thought. The psychical entities which seem to serve as elements in thought are certain signs and more or less clear images which can be voluntarily reproduced or combined." Fortunately, he sought out holistic learning situations that fed his curiosity and lust for understanding.
Anonymous
Make the most of them while they're little. They won't be little for long.
Did you know...? People who talk personal problems through to themselves are often better at solving problems than those who do not talk to themselves. In children "talking to yourself" is an expression of personal intelligence and can lead to increased self-awareness.
from page 33...
Did you know...? The idea that music can help you learn is an old one. In Ancient Greece audiences would attend a festival called the Panathenea every four years. During this festival a presenter would chant the whole of the Iliad from memory to the heartbeat rhythm of a softly played lyre. Records show that many in the audience could remember long passages from it afterwards.
from pages 10-11...
Every child is a bright child but no two children are bright in the same way..
from page 10...
You have a bright child if you think your child is bright and if you work to help her reach her potential. Do not accept that your child cannot succeed, for your belief that your child can with effort succeed will help create the most important of her growing beliefs - her self-belief..
from page 13...
If a child has been his mother's undisputed darling he retains throughout his life the triumphant feelings, the confidence in success, which not seldom brings actual success with it. Freud, from "A Childhood Recollection"
from page 13...
Everyone is clever at something. I wonder what I'll be clever at. Greg, aged 6
from page 18...
Adult to child: "I wish you'd think" Child to adult: "I wish you'd show me how"
from page 20...
Children become very aware of what their parents think of them, and this affects what they think of themselves. A child who is regarded as bright and successful will tend to live up to this image. A child who is thought of as stupid will come to think of himself as a failure, especially when faced with problems.
from page 21...
Encouraging adult: allows time, focuses on child's thinking, defers judgement, stresses independence, optimistic about outcomes, actively listens, shows real interest, assumes it can be done, shares the risk, challenges child to try out ideas, is available, accepts child's decisions, follows child's interests, speculates along with, deals as an equal, available for help, sees learning in mistakes, uses open-ended questions, encourages play, values creative ideas.
from page 43...
SEVEN STEPS TO HELPING YOUR CHILD LEARN - Little and often is most effective - don't overdo it - Make learning fun if at all possible, fun for you and for her - Explain what you are doing and why, clearly and slowly - Involve the learner actively, don't do it all for him - Be patient, ask questions to check he understands - Pause to allow her time, prompt if she needs help, praise her efforts -Encourage the learner to explain, say or show what he has learnt
...because they are children and for no other reason they have dignity and worth simply because they are...
from page 11...
1. Kids are worth it. I'm sure you believe this too, because I know you're not in parenting for the money. 2. I will not treat a child in a way I myself would not want to be treated. If I wouldn't want it done to me, I have no business doing it to my child. 3. If it works and leaves a child's and my own dignity intact, do it. Just because it works doesn't make it good; it must work and leave the child's and my own dignity intact.
from page 11-12...
We don't have to like their hairdos, the earring in the nose, or their strange-looking shoes. Our love for them does have to be something they can count on, something they know will always be there, even when they are in trouble and we'd probably rather not be there. Being there when they are resting comfortably in our arms, smiling up at us for the first time, is easy; being there when they are cutting teeth, colicky, and crying through the night is not. Being there when they learn to ride a two-wheeler is easy; being there when they have wrecked the family car is not. Being there when they are performing in the school play is easy; being there when they call from the police station is not.
from page 12... quoting African Proverb
Niyimpa kor ntsetse ba - "It takes an entire village to raise a child."
from page 24...
One of the truly great educators of our time, Haim Ginott, commenting on the powerful influence we have on children, said: "It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather.... I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized."
from page 25... quoting Wayne Dyer
Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you.
from page 26... quoting Fred Rogers of "Mister Rogers' Neigborhood", in "Parade"
There is a universal truth I have found in my work. Everybody longs to be loved. And the greatest thing we can do is let somebody know that they are loved and capable of loving.
from page 27...
Encouraging a child means that one or more of the following critical life message are coming through, either by word or by action:
- I believe in you - I trust you - I know you can handle this - You are listened to - You are cared for - You are very important to me
from page 28... quoting "Wisdom of the Elders"
Children are extraordinarily precious members of a society; they are exquisitely alert, sensitive, and conscious of their surroundings; and they are extraordinarily vulnerable to maltreatment or emotional abuse by adults who refuse to give them the profound respect and affection to which they are unconditionally entitled.
from page 29...
Going back to the Latin roots, to discipline with authority means to give life to learning. Our goal as parents is to give life to our children's learning - to instruct, to teach, to help them develop self-discipline - an ordering of the self from the inside, not imposition from the outside. Any technique that does not give life to a child's learning and leaves a child's dignity intact cannot be called discipline - it is punishment, no matter what language it is clothed in.
from page 35...
Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I've got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.
- George Bernard Shaw
It is extremely difficult, if not impossible, to empower our children if we have little or no flame ourselves. If we are going to give our children the message that they are worth it, we first need to believe that we are worth it.
from page 1... quoting Peter de Vries
Who of us is mature enough for offspring before the offspring themselves arrive? The value of marriage is not that adults produce children but that children produce adults.
from page 51...
- I believe in you - I trust you - I know you can handle life situations - You are listened to - You are cared for - You are very important to me
Through love, acceptance, and encouragement, children's sense of self is recognized, valued, and esteemed.
If you want to prevent your child from developing a normal responsible conscience which will enable him to control himself, build your relationship with him on a punitive basis. Control his behavior primarily by spanking and scolding, especially scolding.
The ability to act in and through love, to be non-violent, to be generous, and to respect the rights and needs of others comes from having been generously and gently loved and respected.
I can imagine that someday we will regard our children not as creatures to manipulate or to change but rather as messengers from a world we once knew but which we have long since forgotten, who can reveal to us more about the true secrets of life, and also our own lives, than our parents were ever able to. We do not need to be told whether to be strict or permissive with our children. What we do need is to have respect for their needs, their feelings, and their individuality, as well as for our own.
from page 65... quoting Hilde S. Schlesinger in "Dialogue in Many Worlds: Adolescents and Adults - Hearing and Deaf"
Mothers talk with their children, do so very differently, and tend to be more often at one side or the other of a series of dichotomies. Some talk with their youngsters and participate primarily in dialogue; some primarily talk at their children. Some mainly support the actions of their offspring, and if not, provide reasons why not; others primarily control the actions of their children, and do not explain why. Some ask genuine questions...others constraint questions. ...Some are prompted by what the child says or does; others by their own inner needs and interests. ...Some describe a large world in which events happened in the past and will happen in the future; others comment only about the here and now. ...Some mothers mediate the environment by endowing stimuli with meaning.
from page 67... quoting Hilde S. Schlesinger in "Dialogue in Many Worlds: Adolescents and Adults - Hearing and Deaf", quoted by Oliver Sacks, and Oliver Sacks
[Schlesinger writes] Some mothers...introduce a world wherein things that are seen, touched and heard are enthusiastically processed through language. The world they introduce is wider, more complex, and more interesting to the toddlers. They too label objects in the perceptual world of their children, but use correct labels for more sophisticated percepts, and add attributes to them via adjectives. ...They include people, and label the actions and feelings of individuals in the world, and characterize them via adverbs. They not only describe the perceptual world but help their children reorganize it and to reason about its multiple possibilites.
These mothers, then, encourage the formation of a conceptual world which, far from impoverishing, enhances the perceptual world, enriching it and elevating it continually to the level of symbol and meaning. Poor dialogue, communicative defeat, so Schlesinger feels, leads not only to intellectual constriction but to timidity and passivity; creative dialogue, a rich communicative interchange in childhood, awakens the imagination and mind, leads to a self-sufficiency, a boldness, a playfulness, a humor, that will be with the person for the rest of his life.
from pages 72-73... quoting L. S. Vygotsky in "Thought and Language", quoted by Oliver Sacks, and Oliver Sacks
Dialogue launches language, the mind, but once it is launched we develop a new power, "inner speech," and it is this that is indispensable for our further development, our thinking. "Inner speech," says Vygotsky, "is speech almost without words...it is not the interior aspect of external speech, it is a function in itself. ...While in external speech thought is embodied in words, in inner speech words die as they bring forth thought. Inner speech is to a large extent thinking in pure meanings." We start with dialogue, with language that is external and social, but then to think, to become ourselves, we have to move to a monologue, to inner speech. Inner speech is essentially solitary, and it is profoundly mysterious, as unknown to science, Vygotsky writes, as "the other side of the moon." "We are our language," it is often said; but our real language, our real identity, lies in inner speech, in that ceaseless stream and generation of meaning that constitutes the individual mind. It is through inner speech that the child develops his own concepts and meanings; it is through inner speech that he achieves his own identity; it is through inner speech, finally, that he constructs his own world.
It is certain that we are not "given" reality, but have to construct it for ourselves, in our own way, and that in doing so we are conditioned by the cultures and worlds we live in..
Here's to the kids who are different, Kids who don't always get A's, Kids who have ear Twice the size of their peers, And noses that go on for days, Here's to the kids who are different, Kids who bloom later than some, Kids who don't fit, But who never say quit, Who dance to a different drum, Here's to the kids who are different, Kids with the mischievous streak, For when they have grown, As history has shown, It's their difference that makes them unique.
Small children should be supervised by a caregiver when at a computer,
to ensure no accidents occur that could hurt the child and that no equipment gets broken.
by Robert Fisher'>
